An endless marathon of air and arse kissing where the only honest thing said is: “Thank you for watching.”
Though they skipped that ending this year as finding hosts who ticked all the PC boxes was impossible with both Gary Lineker and Lily Allen being otherwise engaged.
However, loved best actress winner Olivia Colman. Proof that talent can win among a sea of Botoxed blow-up dolls.
And that’s just the men. Plus she used to work as a cleaner and loves her husband, which basically makes her my mum. Oooh, and she blew a raspberry live on stage.
Who hasn’t wanted to do that when faced with rivals who secretly all want you dead and probably think you need to lose weight? Not to mention the short hair thing. Being a Brit really isn’t on either despite all that “just love your quaint accent” crud they give us.
Not that the Oscars crowd would dream of saying any of that out loud. Even if they could move either of their faces. Because that would be fat and hair shaming as well as xenophobic.
And, hey, we all know how inclusive America is these days because they actually, gasp, give awards to black folk. And elect Donald Trump as President. Hmm.
Back to the gorgeous Olivia though, a normal-sized woman in possession of her own boobs, teeth, hair, laughter lines and mind.
OK, so she may sometimes overplay the “cor blimey, look at ordinary little me” bit but we’ll allow that. She did commit one huge howler, though. Didn’t spot it?
Well, she gave a sobbing shout-out to the suspiciously orange Lady Gaga, a fellow contender in the Best Actress stakes.
A woman who used her best song gong to pompously declare: “I hope that for future Oscars we evolve as humanity” (and become) “non-gender specific.” Bit like earthworms, I guess.
Oh, bore off you virtue signalling tangerine.
Singing and acting doesn’t give you the right to lecture us on anything other than perfecting jazz hands. Maybe we’d all take her message more seriously if she had not spent the day flirting up a storm with her A Star Is Born co-star Bradley Cooper.
In front of his girlfriend and baby’s mother, Irina Shayk.
She seemed pretty keen on the gender difference then. But they are, of course, “true friends” and he is an “artistic genius”. Every woman everywhere translates that as he’s fit and I definitely would.
More gobsmacking however was Lady Gaga banging on about how life isn’t all about winning.
At a ceremony so dedicated to winning and ambition it stinks more than an outfit made entirely of meat. As, I believe, someone who was not at all after attention once wore to the MTV Video Music Awards.
Not that she had her eyes on the prize or anything, however. Brit Olivia was, naturally, more honest about winning.
Saying she wanted to inspire young girls to work hard and follow that dream because you can achieve anything with strength, drive and determination.
You can’t always come first but there is nothing wrong with wanting to win. Life IS competitive whether we like it or not and, as Olivia’s success (said to be worth a cool £26million career boost) proves, there’s a lot at stake. Or, in Lady Gaga’s case, steak.