LAST weekend the sun shone, the trees were ablaze with blossom and there were four glorious days off work to enjoy it all. Big up to the Baby Jesus for that.
And yet, despite the cloudless skies, no one thought: “Right. I shall take a chair and a beer into my garden and spend the afternoon enjoying the unseasonal warmth.”
This is because sunshine causes everyone to think they are capable of doing DIY.
I’m no different, which is why I bounded out of bed on Good Friday and decided that, rather than enjoying the weather, I’d make a garden gate.
Why did I think that? There’s never been any evidence in my whole life that I could even saw a log in half.
My woodworking teacher at school said that I was a “cretin” and pointed out that the bookcase I’d taken two years to make looked like a wooden dog.
But off I went to the DIY store, where I spent about what it would cost to buy France on some planks and various tools, all of which make more noise than a motorcycle race.
DIY tools are specifically designed to be loud so that the stragglers who actually are sitting in their gardens doing nothing feel compelled by the din to get off their backsides and make some noise of their own, while making a pond, or full-scale model of an ice breaker.
Thanks to the noisy tools and some luck, I soon had the wood cut to the right length, apart from two bits, which were too short.
This is because the tape measure had given a false reading. All tape measures do this — throw in a spurious figure once in a while, just to make whatever you’re building all cock-eyed.
DIY tools are specifically designed to be loud so that the stragglers who actually are sitting in their gardens doing nothing feel compelled by the din to get off their backsides and make some noise of their own
Eventually though, after only three more trips to the shop for more wood, I had glued the frame of my new gate together, and to the fence it was resting on. And to my trousers.
After sorting that out, which only took until Sunday morning, it was time to screw it all together.
I used a drill. This was a mistake and soon I was bleeding profusely.
But after running my hand under the tap for a while, and having a beer, and then some more to help with the pain, I soon forgot that I was building a gate and didn’t remember until the next day.
‘THERE ARE NO AMATEUR DENTISTS’
I spent the whole of Monday morning sawing and nailing and drilling and bleeding and drinking until eventually my gate was done. And I offered it up proudly to the hole in the wall where it would live.
Only to find it was somehow a foot too narrow.
There’s a lesson to be learned here. There are no amateur dentists. There are no amateur vets. So why do we think there can be such a thing as an amateur carpenter? Or plumber? Or electrician?
If you want some brain surgery, go to a brain surgeon. If you want a new wall, go to a bricklayer.
There are lots of Bank Holidays coming up in the next few weeks and I have a tip. Spend all of them doing nothing. Because apart from anything else, it’ll make the country about a thousand times quieter.
First rule of Bank Holiday DIY… Don’t Injure Yourself[/caption]
There are no amateur vets. So why do we think there can be such a thing as an amateur carpenter? Or plumber? Or electrician?[/caption]
THE Guides want to end the idea that rugby is for boys and netball is for girls. They are arguing that girls should be allowed to play the same sports at school as boys.
Fine. Let’s start with the private school boys’ dormitory game with the biscuit.
Any takers, girls? Anyone?
Look at the State of visitors
There were no mass protests about similar visits to Trump’s by Robert Mugabe or King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia arrived in the UK[/caption]
A LOT of people are rushing about, waving their arms in the air because Donald Trump is coming to Britain on a state visit.
It’s strange. Nobody made much of a fuss when the Chinese president, Mr Xi Jinping, came to do the Queen and red carpet thing a couple of years ago.
There were no mass protests either about similar visits by Robert Mugabe or King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia, or Vladimir Putin, or Nicolae Ceausescu of Romania or even Emperor Hirohito, who ruled Japan in the Second World War.
Yes. Donald Trump may say some silly things and he certainly has silly hair.
But so far, as I know, he hasn’t set up any camps for torturing political prisoners, or overseen a genocide, or eaten his mother, or kidnapped a child to use its organs for medical experiments.
In fact, when you stop and think, he hasn’t even started a war, which for a US president, is fairly unusual.
ANDY'S INDECENT EXPOSURE
PRINCE ANDREW was slammed this week after he was caught driving while not wearing a seatbelt.
But trust me, he was doing something far worse than that.
He was driving a convertible car . . . in a built-up area, with the roof down.
This is fine if you are a girl or a young man, but driving along with your thinning grey hair in the wind makes you look ridiculous.
As my colleague James May once said: “A middle-aged man can only drive with the roof down if he’d be happy to do so naked.”
In short, if people can see, don’t.
Auntie’s useless on yoof
AS we know, plans are afoot to force people to hand over their name, address and two bits of photo ID before they are allowed to look at couples mating on the internet.
The idea is that youngsters will no longer be able to watch porn. But it won’t work, for several reasons.
Youngsters are born these days with an ability to get round any online security systems, and they’re not watching porn anyway. They’re too busy looking at cats falling into waste disposal units on YouTube, or jihadi beheadings, or naked selfies of schoolfriends.
Sadly, though, the BBC won’t realise any of this and will continue to make its programmes more and more yoof- orientated, to pick up all the kids it thinks are no longer able to watch stuff on YouPorn.
We will probably go back very soon to John Craven reading the news in a jumper. And a DJ with questionable morals hosting a show on pop music.
Maybe Brexit’s not so brilliant
WHEN you look at Greek MEP Eva Kaili coming out of the sea in her bikini, with her degree in architecture and her ability to speak four languages, it’s easy to see why we want to be governed by proper British politicians such as Diane Abbott and Michael Gove.
ACCESSORIES MUST GET THEIR JUST DESSERTS
ONE of the Sri Lankan women interviewed this week told reporters she’d lost her father in the civil war, an aunt in the recent tsunami and two of her children in the bombings.
I can’t even begin to imagine how she can cope with such torment. I’m only glad that in Sri Lanka, a country I love, those who helped the bombers plan their outrage will be treated with the respect they deserve while in the cells.
Let’s hope their meals are delivered on the end of a hobnailed boot.
So. Let me see if I’ve got this straight.
The eco protesters who are fighting for the very survival of the only planet we have . . . went home when the weather turned a bit chilly.
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RICKY'S LIFE IS JUST GRAND
NOT sure why, but the other day I started to watch the new Ricky Gervais show called After Life.
I’ve finished it now and there’s no getting round the fact that it’s very very unexpected, and very very good.