My husband can’t bear to have sex after I cheated — can I save our marriage?

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DEAR DEIDRE: I HAD a passionate affair when my marriage was going through a bad patch. I came to my senses after a few weeks but now my husband can’t bear to kiss me, let alone have sex with me.

We went through this rough patch five years ago. We are both 34. My husband had lost his job, then his mother died unexpectedly. I was working long hours to keep our heads above water, at the local housing department by day and in a bar at night.

I strayed during a bad patch in my marriage but want to save it
Getty – Contributor

I was exhausted. Then we had a new senior housing officer join us. He was 43 and married. We got along really well. He relied on me to show him the ropes.

One morning I went into work late as my car wouldn’t start. I burst into tears and the new guy put his arms around me and made me feel protected. We had to get on with work but he said he’d buy me a drink after our shift.

We went to a pub nearby and I told him how tough things were at home. My husband seemed to be depressed and we rarely had sex. He listened and was so lovely.

He said his wife spent more time on her phone than talking to him and he felt they were drifting apart. We walked out of the pub and he kissed me. I forgot about all my troubles.

I told my husband as I felt guilty but he now won’t come near me
Getty – Contributor

We parked up and had sex in the car. It wasn’t comfortable but the chemistry was magic. Our affair lasted a few short weeks but then I realised we were risking disaster on so many fronts.

I was so against infidelity and regretted cheating so I told my husband. He didn’t take it well but he did say he wanted to work at our marriage.

I’ve tried to fix everything but although he’s got a new job, things feel worse between us. He says he constantly has images in his head of me with my colleague, although he has moved, so I don’t even work with him any more.

I want to save our marriage. How can I get my husband to trust me again?

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AFTER we fall in love, we may assume our relationship will care for itself.

But we change, our lives change, and we must give our relationship attention for it to survive.

My e-leaflet Relationship MOT can help.

For a copy, email me at problems@deardeidre.org or private message me on my DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.


DEIDRE SAYS: Tell him you deeply regret falling into another man’s arms but you both have to work on finding a way to reconnect.

He needs to accept that he is responsible for at least part of the stress your marriage was under at the time. Suggest he think of two or three of your best moments together to focus on whenever images come into his mind of you with the other guy.

Start slowly to build bridges physically, hand-holding while you’re watching TV and kissing when you leave for work. Build up to more cuddling and caressing but without pressure for sex just yet.

My e-leaflet Cheating – Can You Get Over It? explains more tactics and sources of support.


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Get in touch with Deidre today

Got a problem? Send an email to problems@deardeidre.org. Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.

You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.

Follow me on Twitter @deardeidre.

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