DEAR DEIDRE: I HAVE been having passionate sex with a guy at work, though I just got married earlier this year.
I am 25 and my husband — who I love — is 27. He is very happy but I realised once the excitement of the wedding was over that I am not.
I was struggling with depression and our sex life dried up. Communication was very one-sided and I felt lonely.
I was in tears at work one day after making a mistake that lost the firm a contract.
A colleague I have known for a long time comforted me and suddenly kissed me. He made it clear he wanted a full-on sexual relationship. He is 30.
I couldn’t resist and we slept together. I told my husband I had a work conference one weekend and we stayed in a hotel in London. It was so exciting. We carried on having sex after work at my lover’s flat for a couple of months.
He sent texts constantly telling me how much he wanted me, how he wanted to make me feel beautiful. He said we were 100 per cent compatible and would be together if I wasn’t married.
I really fell for him but he broke it off after finding a girlfriend. I didn’t expect a long-term relationship — nor the torrent of hurtful things he said at our final meeting.
He told me he was blameless, that I’d wanted it as much as he did and should have refused. He made out I was disrespectful to my husband and a bad woman.
He said I should “grow a pair and cheer up” when I told him I wasn’t in a good place. That hurt more than anything. He said nothing was going to change but we could still be friends.
I tried texting and being friendly but he replied late and in a very dismissive way. He is horrible to me at work and doesn’t even say hello. It’s so awkward, but I don’t want him to see I’m heartbroken.
I hate myself. My husband is a good man but he would never forgive me if he found out.
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DEIDRE SAYS: I am sorry your lover proved to be such a hypocrite. He doesn’t deserve your friendship.
Your husband did deserve you to be faithful but it sounds like you both drew back when you hit this bad patch, rather than working together to strengthen your relationship.
Don’t confess your affair to him if he is otherwise unlikely to get to hear about it.
But do tell him you both need to share your feelings more, listen to one another and revive your sex life.
My e-leaflets on Saving Your Sex life and Help For Your Depression will help you sort this out.
Be civil with this guy at work but accept it is over and move on.
It was nothing more than a dead-end affair that was going nowhere.
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